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Words that Scar

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It hurt. It stung so bad that no pill could ease the pain. It’s crazy how they didn’t even touch me and yet I was bleeding. Was I just that fragile? Or were their words just that powerful?

Bullying.

Every day I felt like a young lost girl wandering streets where I didn’t belong. I felt like I was on crossroads with zero knowledge on how to move forward. It was as if the only ability I was capable of, was to watch them as they appeared to be so far ahead on the other side. But what attacked me more was to hear their laughter and comments that bombarded my brain.

“You’re so stupid”

“Alicia is so dumb she was born with an extra chromosome” “haha, she is probably so stupid, she doesn’t even know what the means.”

“Alicia you’ll never make it passed your first year of college, because you actually have to be slightly intelligent to do that.”

“Alicia you’re in the wrong class, you belong on the first floor, where the retarded kids are at”

The majority of my classmates never failed to remind me of how dumb I was. I could not walk down the halls, or even enjoy lunch without some reminder. I will never forget the day I got up from our lunch table to grab a snack and came back to see them all staring at me. At first I was puzzled by this, but within seconds I knew what the spotlight was about. I looked down to a drawing of what was supposed to resemble myself. It was a picture of a girl that was supposed to look “retarded” and had the words stupid written all over it. In that moment, my heart dropped and my eyes flushed with water. I remember the feeling of my body heating up and the force of my eyes shuttering so I could fight back the tears. As I focused my attention back up at them they were all laughing. They saw this picture and my low self esteem as funny, like a never ending comedy central show. I tried so hard not to loose my cool, and surprisingly I didn’t. Instead, I broke down inside ..for years.

If I was to write something on the board, odds were I would spell something wrong. If I was to go up in front of the class odds were I would miss pronounce a word. If I was to try to answer a math questions odds where I was completely off.  This is because I became so insecure that I question everything I did. My heart would beat a millions miles a minute once I heard my name being called on to answer a question. Even if I knew with the answer with 100% certainty I would go into panic mode.  Often, I would choke which only gave them another reason to make fun. Unfortunately, these scenarios happened multiple times, so often that their comments had become my own.

They used to be my friends. We used to all get together on the weekends and go to dinners and the movies. Still to this day I am unsure on why I was the one they decided to turn on. I had never done anything personal to any of them, but I guess that didn’t matter.

Bullying is my strongest dislikes in life. I will never understand why people feel the need to gang up on one individual and rip them apart. Often, people don’t realize how much bullying can affect someone’s life. I know for everyone effected it’s outcome can be different, but for me I felt like I was worthless. I actually started giving up in school because I thought I could never stand a chance of being successful. I felt pity for myself and wanted to blame my parents for not raising me better. As much as I tried to point the finger, I knew at the end of the day it was my own fault. I wasn’t smart and would never make it in a real job.

Sadly, I felt like this for years. It started my freshman year of high school and haunted me even when they were no longer around. It carried all the way through to my freshman year of college. Still even 5 years later I couldn’t answer a question without feeling like a deer in headlights. I felt like there would never be a day that I could make it close to being as smart as the “average.”

Escape

Although it went on for what felt like eternity, I found a day where I no longer felt worthless. It took time, but after branching myself away from their thoughts and believing in myself, this nightmare faded. Within time, I noticed a huge change in my work ethic and confidence. Even now, when I make mistakes I no longer get discourage, I keep going. Thankfully I was able to save myself from all the trouble I was put through. Unfortunately, when it comes to  bullying cases similar to this, the only person to save you is yourself. If only I blocked their comments out and believed in myself from the start, I could have proved them wrong a long time ago, but I will not hold myself for that. I am very blessed to say that I was able to accomplish goals that I thought I could never reach.

“Alicia you’ll never make it passed your first year of college, because you actually have to be slightly intelligent to do that.”

FullSizeRender[15]There were right, you have to be slightly intelligent to make it passed your first year of college. That’s why I am heading into my last semester of college, because I am far beyond slightly intelligent. Throughout my years at the University of Tampa I was able to be President of the American Marketing Association as well as landing a internship by my sophomore year of college. Currently, I’ve been with the same  company for 2 years, and I plan to stay with after I graduate in May of 2017.

Although I am proud of my success that is not the purpose of this blog. This blog is to show that words scar. Please, take caution on what you say to someone, because words can damage. Even comments that were said to me years ago, stuck with me for a long time. If you are a victim of bullying in cases like mine, please remember you are not alone. Bullying happens more than it’s said. Also, do not let this take over you. You are smart, your life is worth it, and you can and will be anything you want. And for starters, I believe in you.

It’s never too late to apologize

If you have been on there other side and have been the one bullying please note it’s NEVER to late to apologize. Even if the person does not give you the time of day, it’s better to attempt then to not at all. Be brave and give them back what they deserve.


I hope you enjoyed this blog on bullying. This blog was hard for me to write as this life experience was one that had scarred me the most, but I believe I have a story that should be told. Feel free to comment and tell your story too. If not don’t hesitate to reach out to me by email, as I would love to be the person that is there for you. Lastly ,share this blog, to show others how words scar.

 

 

comments
  • Haley
    December 19, 2016

    Alicia,
    I know we haven’t spoken in years, but seeing this I HAD to respond. As I was reading this, so many memories came up. I know exactly who you’re talking about. They did the same thing to me (and multiple other girls) but with different words. I too believed them, and it tore me apart.
    I really hope I never made you feel dumb, I always admired your positivity and your ability to have a conversation with anyone about anything. I remember you lighting up every room you entered and making everyone laugh. But I sincerely regret not sticking up for you. I wish we could have been there for each other in highschool considering we were going through the exact same things. I don’t know why so many of us girls put up with the way they treated us and laughed it off while at school but cried about it later. If I could go back I would have stuck up for you, told you how smart you were, and never spoken to those guys again.
    I’m so happy high school is over and we get to be the happy, successful people they never thought we would be.
    Peace and love,
    Haley

    reply
  • December 19, 2016

    Haley,

    I am not sure what hurts me more, the fact that I am just hearing that you went through this too years later or that fact that I could have helped you back in the day and didn’t know to. I am so sorry that you went through a similar situation. I am not sure why we put up with it and how we let them control us for as long as we did. I often wonder if they knew or even know now how much their words destroyed us, but thankfully it no longer matters. You and I can be anything we want because we have the power, desire and skills to do it. I am honored that you reached out to me about this and I wish I could have stuck up for you when you needed it most. Although at the time we were not very close, I will always be there if you and support you with anything you need. Please never forget your worth, remember to believe in yourself and always always…Be You.

    Peace and love,
    Your friend,

    Alicia

    reply
  • Sam
    December 20, 2016

    Alicia,

    Reading this broke my heart. I never had any idea. But I guess that happens most of the time; you never know what people are going through. Just know I always thought extremely highly of you and thought you had everything going for you, INCLUDING intelligence! And while in high school I was surrounded by mean, destructive people, I do distinctly remember that you never were one of them. You were always kind and friendly and it did make a difference. I was put through things in that school that I would not dare post here. I commend your honesty and bravery putting yourself out there like this; it is truly beautiful! I am so happy to see you so successful and wish you all the best. This blog is great!

    All the best,

    Sam

    reply
  • January 8, 2017
    reply

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